As parents, we sometimes have to do some dirty work and incredibly unappealing acts.
Wiping asses and snotty noses. Combing lice nits or washing barf out of hair. Scooping a poorly timed turd out of the bathtub while trying to keep it all in one solid piece so that it doesn’t break up into several smaller turds forcing you into a desperate struggle of getting the baby turds to somehow squeeze through the drain while you retch and then have retch induced tears fall from your eyes and into the bath water that is now basically turd soup.
You know, nasty-ass parent stuff.
Let me tell you, my friends, I have very recently experienced something that tops all that. All of it.
Do you know how it is suggested that one check their child for pinworms? You can skip Google and I’ll tell you:
If your kid is complaining of anal itching (mostly at night) and barnacle butt has been omitted as the cause of this anal itching, you’re to grab a flashlight and check your child’s anus for signs of teeny, tiny white pinworms waving at you from your child’s asshole.
In order to do this, the kid needs to be on their back, their knees close to their ears with anus fully exposed. It is uncomfortable and undignified and I’m sure the kid feels pretty ambivalent about this situation as well. The pinworms are supposedly attracted to the light of the flashlight (or miner’s hat if you have one lying about) and will come out to greet you. Once you’ve visually established the presence of these little parasites in your precious child’s bunghole, there’s an inexpensive over the counter medication to treat the nastiness. You might want to buy it from a store that also sells a lot wine and or beer so that you can try to drink away the memory of what you just had to do as a parent. How did this become your life, you’ll wonder. You never imagined this scenario as you held your wee little baby in your arms for the first time- that you’d be asking them to try to fart but not actually fart because you need their anus to open up a bit but you don’t want the added insult of having intestinal gas all up in your face while you already have asshole all up in your face so that you can diagnose an active freaking worm infestation.
This has been my story of the most horrifying experience in the history of my role as a parent.
Can you top it? Please leave your upsetting story in the comments.
You’ll feel better… or at least I will.