Thank You, Lady I’ve Never Met Before

Thank you, lady I’ve never met, for saying my baby is cute. I think so, too. Yes m’am, I agree, babies are really wonderful. Oh. We’re going to be chatting for a bit, aren’t we?

Sure, you can touch her toes and then say “Tell Mommy she needs to put some socks on you- your toesies is cold! Yes they are! Say, My toesies is cold Mama!”. It’s seventy degrees outside, though, so I’m going to act like I didn’t hear you, new friend.

You’re right, she is chubby, isn’t she? It’s okay to say it. You don’t have to whisper. You won’t hurt her feelings because she doesn’t understand your words. She’s, like, a baby.

Why yes, I AM breastfeeding. You’re inquiring if my breasts contain milk. That is not weird at all. I’m tempted to ask you if you still menstruate but I understand boundaries.

No, she’s not our first child but our seventh, in fact. I can tell by the way your eyes widened to approximately the size of manhole covers that you find this shocking. You even take a step back and then steady yourself on your shopping cart. If I hadn’t spoken the words myself, I would almost think that I just informed you that I am married to a man-goat and that we are raising our children on a hearty diet of devil worship and meth.

I mean, since you asked, yes, we did know what we were getting ourselves into. Hahahahaha! How about you, though? When you chose that dingy-ass seasonal sweatshirt emblazoned with a cornucopia outlined in orange puffy glitter glue and spilling its bounty of grapes,clementines, leaves and whatever the fuck else all across your bosom. Did YOU realize what you were getting yourself into? I’m asking because that shit is fugly. Maybe you have progressive glaucoma and can’t really tell what you’re pulling out of your closet. Maybe one of your kids made it for you and you can’t bear to not wear it, at least once, during every Thanksgiving season since ’82. I don’t know. I’m grasping at straws here, lady. I want to suggest that you cut it up and re-purpose it as dust cloths or perhaps a cozy cushion for your cat’s window perch (I’d bet money that you have 15 cats) but I don’t because I have remarkable restraint- except for procreation, amIright?

Okay, well, looks like your groceries are all bagged up and ready to go. I do appreciate your offer of the Charmin coupon you didn’t end up using (Haha! You are SO right! We DO use a lot of toilet paper!), but I’m all set. We love trees and the Earth and mostly use or hands or the shower curtain for all our wiping needs.

But, hell, give me that applique sweatshirt and we’ll have us some recycled, washable butt wipes.That’s a win for both of us.

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14 thoughts on “Thank You, Lady I’ve Never Met Before

  1. At least you’ve got your sense of humor 😛

  2. Mom of eight here and I get this all the time, too.

  3. Oh my gosh. I love you. That is all.

  4. I just fell out…

  5. OMG this is funny. Thank you.

  6. Elizabeth Canlas

    My top three answers are “yes all mine, no, not a blended family, yes, all from the same dad!”

  7. My friends mom informed me I “HAVE” to start reading your blog…oh, this is good stuff!!!

    • Thank you so much, Christy! Unfortunately I’m not writing much here these days. Hopefully I’ll get back over here soon. In the meantime, I’m mostly on my Facebook page-Love Morning Wood.
      Thank you so much for your kind words!

  8. I just found your blog via Scary Mommy and you are my new hero. This is effing hilarious!

  9. I just got married two weeks ago & don’t have any kids….yet, but your blog, Facebook & Instagram crack me up!!

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