Call of Doody

Have you ever walked into a public restroom and discovered something so vile and offensive that you just cannot even so you turn to briskly walk/run out the door, being mindful not to touch anything and to maybe hold your breath until you’ve safely exited the room of odiousness and in your haste you glance over at the mirror and you see the look of utter horror on your face and you think to yourself “So THAT’s what I look like when I walk into a Target bathroom, open a stall door and see that someone defecated and then seemingly attempted to wipe their ass- not with the ample toilet paper provided, the end of which is hanging in plain view from the bottom of the dispenser, but with the actual toilet seat, front of the toilet bowl and a little bit of the stall wall.”

Then your mind starts manufacturing possible scenarios: I wonder wtf happened in here. Did someone just have an accident? Did they try to clean up their shit but then the mess got worse and worse until they said “F*ck it, I tried. Not my job to clean my own defecation when it happened in a public restroom. Is this someone’s, like, “thing” you know, to shit on every conceivable surface in the Target bathroom stall? Is there a shit bandit on the loose? I’d expect something like this in WalMart, wouldn’t think twice about it, in fact, but my beloved Target? No. I HAVE to tell someone.

So you go to customer service and you’re all “Hi, yeah, ummmm…I just wanted to let you know that something really, very bad happened in the first stall in the ladies restroom. Not, like, a murder or an abandoned baby or anything, but whichever of your unfortunate employees is charged with bathroom duty (ha! duty) today will probably want to suit up in a something akin to what hospital workers wear when dealing with an Ebola patient or that flesh eating bacteria- what’s it called? Necrotizing something or other?- Anyway, I just thought you should know beacuse it’s not a good situation in there. It’s appalling, actually. Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend and, as always, God bless Target!” And then you maybe salute a little bit, just a general salute to or at nothing in particular, before you drink and bathe in hand sanitizer (the UP and UP brand, naturally).

Hmmm? Has that ever happened to you guys?

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17 thoughts on “Call of Doody

  1. adolescentgeezer

    Not exactly…but, then again, I’ve not been in the “Ladies” at Target in a while! Maybe it was akin to what some zoo animals have been known to do with feces…? (And here I was thinking it was bad when people didn’t flush!)

  2. A shit bandit on the loose. Lol! Thanks for that. Also, just so you know, were I the Target customer service person, I’d assume that the person who told me of the mess was probably responsible for it and was trying to proactively pin the blame somewhere else. Then I’d deactivate your red card because that’s fucking gross man. Poop in the toilet!!

  3. genieinablog

    These things baffle me. I used to work at a sporting goods store, and more than once did I walk in on an unfortunate poopsplosion. We left it for the cleaning crew.

    THEN when I worked at a credit union, a woman’s colostomy bag pretty much exploded all over our SINGLE ladies restroom, and we could not let that wait for the cleaning crew that evening. Luckily I was at lunch and had completely left the building. So glad Galit introduced us so I could get those poop stories off my chest.

  4. Just stopping by to say, I loved this piece. (Also I shared it last week.)

  5. my husband worked at Lowes and the Hispanic culture does not believe in flushing their TP down the toilet so…. There were piles of shit rags in the men’s room all the time! Thankfully he was a Dept Mgr and was not in charge of bathroom “duty.”

  6. charlotte833

    My goodness, that story is disgusting. And hilarious. More hilarious than disgusting because of the ending conversation with customer service. And the salute.

  7. Some time in the previous millennium the Shito Bandito hit the library where I worked. Inside the books. And then politely closed and reshelved them. What possessed that person is beyond me. I sincerely hope they’re not now targeting your beloved Target, although it sounds more like this was a person with a serious physical ailment rather than a serious mental one. Or maybe both.

    • What in the actual f*ck? That’s, like, a weird-ass shit in public places fetish. Were you tasked with cleaning up Shito Bandito’s deposit?

      • Luckily I was not. Preservation, the department that’s tasked with taking care of shit, is the one place in the library I’ve always avoided. The fetishists are bad enough, but Preservation people have gotten lung infections and ended up in the hospital from moldy books.
        Who ever thought working in a library could kill you?

      • No kidding. That’s like being dropped in the middle of Serbia. Book mold. Huh.

  8. I walked into a bathroom in a brand new library in a very nice suburb. I could hear an adult and a younger person talking, the adult saying things like “Oh my gosh! Why is it on the wall? And how did you get it way up there?” And I could SEE it smeared on the floor. The little voice was saying “I don’t know…” It smelled HORRIBLE!! I decided I could wait, but I did inform the desk that they might want to check things out. Just goes to show it doesn’t matter where you are or how nice someplace is, you just never know.

  9. I was once in a walmart bathroom (emphasis on once) and there was the rather elderly homeless looking fellow hopping back and forth from one foot to the other while he waited for a stall to become available. I did wonder why if he had to pee so bad, he didn’t just go ahead and use one of the many urinals available. That is what they are there for right? I went over to one of those urinals to take care of my immediate need when suddenly the guy drops his pants and backs his butt up in the direction of the urinal right next to mine and proceeds to have the most explosive bout of diarrhea I could ever have imagined.. Keep in mind I said he was backing in that direction of the urinal, I never said he got there.. He projectile pooped this viscous stream of liquid crap in its general direction getting it on the floor, the urinal, the flushing handle and of course the wall. Thankfully, I dodged the splash effect of his actions even though I accidentally ended up peeing a little on the wall and floor myself, although there was no way to avoid the smell. I think got to watch as he shuffle walked his way over to the paper towel dispenser and he proceeded to wipe his ass with his dangly grandpa balls swinging in the breeze.. I zipped my pants, washed my hands, found my wife in the store and we left never looking back.

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