Ass in the Air

As parents, we sometimes have to do some dirty work and incredibly unappealing acts.

Wiping asses and snotty noses. Combing lice nits or washing barf out of hair. Scooping a poorly timed turd out of the bathtub while trying to keep it all in one solid piece so that it doesn’t break up into several smaller turds forcing you into a desperate struggle of getting the baby turds to somehow squeeze through the drain while you retch and then have retch induced tears fall from your eyes and into the bath water that is now basically turd soup.

You know, nasty-ass parent stuff.

Let me tell you, my friends, I have very recently experienced something that tops all that. All of it.

Do you know how it is suggested that one check their child for pinworms? You can skip Google and I’ll tell you:

If your kid is complaining of anal itching (mostly at night) and barnacle butt has been omitted as the cause of this anal itching, you’re to grab a flashlight and check your child’s anus for signs of teeny, tiny white pinworms waving at you from your child’s asshole.

In order to do this, the kid needs to be on their back, their knees close to their ears with anus fully exposed. It is uncomfortable and undignified and I’m sure the kid feels pretty ambivalent about this situation as well. The pinworms are supposedly attracted to the light of the flashlight (or miner’s hat if you have one lying about) and will come out to greet you. Once you’ve visually established the presence of these little parasites in your precious child’s bunghole, there’s an inexpensive over the counter medication to treat the nastiness. You might want to buy it from a store that also sells a lot wine and or beer so that you can try to drink away the memory of what you just had to do as a parent. How did this become your life, you’ll wonder. You never imagined this scenario as you held your wee little baby in your arms for the first time- that you’d be asking them to try to fart but not actually fart because you need their anus to open up a bit but you don’t want the added insult of having intestinal gas all up in your face while you already have asshole all up in your face so that you can diagnose an active freaking worm infestation.


This has been my story of the most horrifying experience in the history of my role as a parent.

Can you top it? Please leave your upsetting story in the comments.

You’ll feel better… or at least I will.

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18 thoughts on “Ass in the Air

  1. Nope- can’t top that. Not with a perpetual nap time crib poopie smearer. Or even pulling car keys from a toilet at Target that I used to simultaneously poop and breastfeed. Hats off and again, I bow to you!

  2. Hmmm. What about collecting 2 separate stool samples, 3 separate times for not one, not two, but *five* children (plus self) to ascertain if the family has giardia. The stool cultures are obtain by scooping poo into little tiny jars with a baby spork. Then after forcing said children to consume anti-parasitic meds that would make bile appetizing, doing it all over again ten days later. But, worms coming out of their bunghole? Yep, you have me beat there.

    • Oh. My. God.

      I don’t know…I think I’d still prefer the one little worm waving to me than shit samples. I am, however, interested in these ‘baby sporks’ you mention. You got a website to share with me so I can have my own baby sporks?

  3. Ok that is fucked up. I cannot beat that, although I’ve been puked on by my child until my clothes stuck to my skin, then got into the bathtub with said child for a clean up session and was diarrhea pooed on. I spent 20 minutes huddled in the shower scrubbing my body as if I were a doctor coming out of the Ebola ward.

    • Also–were there worms? Did your efforts produce a diagnosis?

    • It WAS fucked up. It was horrible. These situations were not in the manual.

      • My kid is in college now, but we conducted this same exam a couple times. I’ll be honest, any time after I saw her scratching her hind end more than a few times, I just dosed her and myself for good measure. Kids are disgusting and love nothing more than passing parasites and cooties back and forth. The doc said that the eggs are so tiny they can get trapped under fingernails and passed to another person by sharing food or FLOATING IN THE AIR. WTF? I hope the household is now worm free!

  4. I loved your description of scooping poop out of the tub – my husband was so happy when our two year old daughter called him from the bathroom yesterday until he realised why he was called in. I did a celebratory dance for not having to be the one to scoop the poop. I was impressed with how calm my husband managed to stay in order not to freak our daughter out while gagging with hands full of poo. At least I imagine he had hands full of poo because he did carry pieces of poo from the tub into the toilet and there was nothing else to pick it up with. I didn’t watch him do it and he didn’t want to talk about it afterwards. Or ever again.

  5. I definitely can’t beat this, but I will say that I have not had a laugh this good in quite some time. You are hilarious, and this hormonal, sleep-deprived new mama is grateful for a good old fashioned belly laugh. Oh, and for a glimpse into my future.

  6. Like MamaB, I have also had the pleasant experience of collecting stool samples.. from my child’s diaper with the tiny “spork”… it’s smaller than your pinkie nail.. and the instructions state that you are to sample “slimy” “bloody” “unusual texture” etc. areas!!!

    I remember bending over this poopy, inverted diaper, tiny spork in hand, searching for “slimy” “bloody” etc. areas to sample, and looking at my husband and saying “This is officially the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done as a parent”. That was almost 12 years ago – and I can say, without a doubt – that is still the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done!

    Haven’t had the experience of checking for pinworms, though, so I can’t compare!

  7. Welp, that’s it. It’s official. i love you.

  8. You’re not alone!!! I’ve had to this with my boy twin!!!

  9. Georgeann Yawn

    I have 3 girls 15, 9 and almost 5 months and I’m so thankful I can’t come up with anything to top this, hell not even remotely close. I love your blog & Facebook page you’re hilarious and make me happy that I’m not alone in some of my questionable parenting choices, my 9 year old had Doritos for breakfast yesterday too… I sprinkled cheese on them and nuked them, she used a sentence enhancer to tell me how good they were 🙂

    • Thank you so much, Georgeann! I had someone leave me a really shitty message last night about not being a worthy Mother so your comment is timely and just what I needed to hear. Three cheers for imperfect parents! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment ❤

    • I love this. Hell…you put CHEESE on it…that’s dairy dammit. Milk is breakfast food. Doritos supposedly have grains…that’s cereal. Lol

  10. I had to give my constipated 4-year old a Herculean quantity of Miralax and Gatorade in order to get her to poop. Child didn’t poop. Sphincter of the gods on that girl. When she finally did poop 12-hours later, I got to capture to poop in a handy dandy plastic poop catcher that goes on the toilet and then shovel it into a sample vial. Then the husband and I dutifully carried the poop in a jar down to Children’s Hospital so it could be analyzed. I did this once. Somewhere in my town there is a guy or gal who looks at poop and other bodily fluids all damn day. Every day. My life is pretty good in contrast.

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