Not Easier, Just Different

Today is the first day of school around here. Our two middle school girls woke at the butt crack of dawn to begin the primping process. Straightening hair and then hating it and deciding on a bun but then hating it and going back to straight hair- it’s all very exhausting and it’s not even my hair. They both changed clothes three times and that’s after they changed their minds about the perfect outfit four times last night. They ended up with with a solid hour of absolutely nothing to do but wring their hands in nervous anticipation of a brand new year.

Our elementary school kids, on the other hand begged for “5 more minutes”- at least that’s what I think they said. I lost consciousness for a sec from their nearly fatal hot garbage breath that they aimed all up in my face. They grabbed clothes out of their closets that didn’t really match and I had to remind Leo that wearing underwear to school (or anywhere, really) is always a good idea. As they stood at the top of the driveway waiting for their bus, I asked: “Are you guys nervous at all or just excited?” “Um, neither of those words” Mia said, “It’s just school. I’d be nervous if I was going to jail and excited if was going to Disney World but neither of those are happening so I just feel…meh.” They were cool as cucumbers.

I watched them board their bus and breathed a sigh of relief- just like that, four kids out of the house for hours! The volume level, bickering, constant snacking, complaints of boredom and seemingly unending piles of wet swimsuits all ended in a flash. I damn near skipped back to the front door. Just the youngest 2 at home- this will be a cinch!

I was almost at the door when Ronan opened it and said “Hey, Mommy, Norah’s pooping on your bed. Come see- it’s yuck.”

By my calculations, that reprieve lasted 3 minutes.

The littlest two don’t eat, talk, or complain as much as the bigger kids but they will take a shit on your bed and then roll around in it. I would say six of one, half dozen of the other but, really, I think I prefer the constant chatter to out of diaper defecation.

This Xanax isn’t going to swallow itself, y’all.

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