I was in grocery store over the weekend and ended up sharing a few aisles with an older couple. The woman was 80+ and dressed to the nines. She was thin as a rail and wearing black hose, a black skirt and a cream colored shirt with ruffles around the cuffs. The neckline was one giant ruffle and grazed her jawline. There was a large blue sparkly brooch pinned nearly at the right shoulder of the blouse. Her hair was snow white and had been professionally set. She wore enormous black rimmed glasses. Her husband, in contrast, had on jeans that sat at the top of his belly, a green striped golf shirt with the name of a Country Club on the left side of his chest and sensible, stark white sneakers.
The woman was driving an electric cart while the man followed behind her with a regular shopping cart. She would pick up an item and ask his opinion. They would bat around the pros and cons of a certain brand of pimento cheese- eh, that one’s a little too creamy- or whether they still have a pack of sausage in the fridge or if they’re out completely.
They were super cute and, of course, I hung on every word when we met in an aisles.
I was staring at jars of salsa when they rounded the corner. She was in front and over her shoulder said (they both had strong New York accents which made the whole thing about a thousand times better):
Wife: “Here’s the Oreos. Do you need your Oreos?”
Wife: “I said ‘Here’s the Oroes…do you need your Oreos’?
Husband: “I can’t hear what your saying to me. What?”
Wife: “Oreos! DO YOU NEED YOUR OREOS?”
Husband: “Oh, look, here’s the Oreos.”
Wife: “That’s what I’ve been saying to you. Do you want to put them in my cart or yours?”
Husband: “Look at this- they got mint flavored Oreos. Whaddya think about that? You think they’re any good? Mint flavored Oreos?”
Wife: “Sounds like they just filled them with toothpaste to me. Try ’em if you want to.”
Husband: “Should I try ’em?”
Wife: “If you want to- I just said that.”
Husband: “I think I’ll try ’em. Should I put ’em in your cart or mine?”
Wife: “Doesn’t matter. Get ’em if you want but remember what happened when you tried that different kind of chili?”
Husband: “What different chili?”
Wife: “Remember, Mr. Experimental? You went and tried the spicy chili?”
Husband: “Well, that wasn’t really a different kind, it was just spicy- it had more spices.”
Wife: “Sure, but remember how long you were on the toilet that next day?”
Husband: “All day, wasn’t it?”
Wife: “That’s right. You spent all day chained to the toilet doing your crossword book.”
Husband: “You think mint-flavored Oreos might attack my gut like that chili?”
Wife: “How should I know? I’m just saying you might want to consider the results before you try something new.”
Husband: “I think I’ll just…ohhhhhh, birthday cake flavored filling…”
Wife: “Just get the original, why don’t you?”
Husband: “Alright, alright.”
The last aisle I shared with them was ‘Paper Goods’. They were discussing which brand of toilet paper was the best and, I’m guessing, his experience with the spicy chili makes him a near expert on the subject.
As I walked off, I heard him say “No,no, not that brand, it tears too easy. Maybe we should try these new wet wipes things in the box? That sounds refreshing.”
She replied “There you go again, Mr. Experimental…”
I had a day full of errands or I would’ve stalked them the entire trip. I hope he went wild and bought pears instead of apples this time- just to shake it up a little bit.