When I’m a Teenager

Once I was home from the hospital, we had to tell the kids to be careful not to jump on me or take a running leap into my arms as I still have sutures.

Leo: “What’s a ‘suture’?”

Me: “It’s like a piece of string that they used to sew up a hole in my belly.”

Leo: “Why did you have a hole in your belly?”

Me: “They put it there so they could take a look inside and be sure everything was okay. When they were done, they had to close it with the string which is also called a suture.”

Leo: “Did it hurt? Did they do it with a knife or like, a ninja star?”

Me: “It didn’t hurt at all- I was asleep the entire time. I’m not sure what they made the incision with but it probably wasn’t a ninja star- those probably aren’t sterile.”

Leo: “Well, if they tried to put a hole in my belly, I’d jump up and say “You assholes aren’t putting a hole in me- you’ll have to catch me first!” and then I’d run back home.”

Me: “You can’t say that word.”

Leo: “I didn’t really say it. I’m just saying I would say it. Like, if I was a teenager and they tried to put a hole in my belly. Can I cuss when I’m a teenager?”

Me: “I don’t…”

Leo: “I know you can say it ’cause you’re old but can I say it if someone is trying to stab a hole in me when I’m a teenager? Like, if it’s really serious?”

Me: “Well, the people that were putting a hole in my belly weren’t being mean- they were trying to help me so they weren’t being assholes.”

Leo: “But what if the people aren’t trying to help you? They’re just really being jerks. Can I call them ‘assholes’ when I’m a teenager?”

Me: “Uhhhhh….sure.”

Leo: “Awesome! You’re the best Mom ever!”

And then he kneed me in the belly when he hopped on the bed to hug me and it took all my strength not to say “Watch it, asshole!”

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