I’ll spare you the boring details but I will tell you this…Morphine is amazing.
Garrett took me to the ER around 3:30am Wednesday with severe, unrelenting abdominal pain. The ER staff had me in a room, an IV started and pain meds being delivered within 10 minutes. I was feeling much better when a security guard came in the room and asked Garrett to move our car which he’d abandoned at the entrance of the ER.
While he was gone, a nurse asked if I could give them a urine specimen. At this point, I’d had 1 dose of Dilaudid and 2 of Morphine- I felt fandamntastic. He helped me into the bathroom and I peed in a little cup. I placed the cup on the sink and then, apparently, dosed off/passed out for a minute or two while I was still sitting on the toilet.
When I woke up, there was a German Shepard sitting in the corner of the bathroom with me. He was panting and I asked him if he was okay: “Oh, heeeey buddy! You okay? You need some water?” Then I wiggled off the toilet so I could hang out with him. When I put my hand up to pet him, he turned into pixelated dust. I crawled halfway out of the bathroom and asked my nurse if he’d seen the dog- he had not. I was disappointed- I thought it was sweet that they brought a dog in to visit me- although they should’ve made sure he was well hydrated. He was panting all up in my face before I reached out and made him disappear.
Morphine makes your pain better and creates hallucinated friends for you…just don’t try to touch them- they’ll pixelate and you’ll be left alone with your pants around your ankles with only a urine specimen to keep you company. Morphine also makes you think you’re a lot funnier than you probably are.
My ER doctor’s last name was Coon. He introduced himself to us, asked a couple of questions and then stepped out.
Me: “What’s his name?”
Garrett: “Coon, I think”
Me: “Like ‘Ra’?
Garrett: “Huh? ‘Ra’? What are you saying?”
Me: “Like, ‘Ra’ccoon? Raccoon? I’m being treated by Dr. Raccoon. That’s so funny, isn’t it? It’s funny!”
Garrett: “He might not think it’s funny. Why don’t you close your eyes for a while- get some rest while you feel better.”
Me: ” How could he not think it’s funny? Oh gosh- what if his first name is George? I could add an ‘ey’ to Coon and he’d be George Cooney! Oh my God that’s hilarious! I can’t wait to tell him!”
Garrett: “Go to sleep.”
Me: “Okay, but will you tell him I said that ’cause it’s really funny. You can really have fun with his name. I love it!”
Garrett: “That Morphine is really working for you, isn’t it?”
Me: “I’m going to go pee again and see if that dog will come back. I’m worried about him.”
Garrett: “You’re going to stay right there. The dog is fine and Dr. Coon will be back in a minute to tell us what’s next.”
Me: “Will you please call him ‘Dr. Raccoon’?”
Garrett: “No. But it is funny.”
Me: “How about Dr. George Cooney? Ask him what his first name is- God, I hope it’s George. How perfect would that be? You have to say the whole thing, though, “Dr. George Cooney” or it isn’t very funny. Ask him, okay?”
Garrett: “If I say ‘okay’ will you go to sleep?”
Me: “Yeah, but wake me up if the dog comes back.”
Garrett: “Oh I will.”
If you ever find yourself in need of an ER visit, I highly recommend you try to reserve a room that provides German Shepherds and a nice doctor with a last name loaded with potential for word play. The Morphine will take care of the rest.
Also, I’m all better. Your sweet messages and support mean the world to me, thank you!