I rounded the corner of the locker room at my gym recently to see a woman, completely naked, sitting on a bench among other naked or only half-clothed women, eating a full lunch. There was bright pink nylon lunchbox sitting next to her bare ass on one side and a piece of parchment paper with half of a sandwich atop it on the other side. She was holding and actively eating the other half of the sandwich. There was also bag of chips, a bowl of strawberries, a small salad with white dressing on top and bottle of water.
The naked part wasn’t odd- many women remain nude while blow drying their hair or applying mascara- it was the lunch and the environment. When I saw her, I stopped in my tracks. I quickly looked around to gauge other people’s reaction to the scene but no one seemed to think it at all out of the ordinary. They were just putting on deodorant, packing their gym clothes away or applying lotion- all while this woman sat naked, taking up an entire bench with her big ass lunch, noshing away. The hell?
I’d hoped my expression didn’t change when she looked up at me- I didn’t want to make her feel bad- but I felt like I was in a Stanley Kubrick film and I’m sure I had furrowed brows to match my confusion. No matter, she sat her sandwich down by its other half and picked up her salad.
It wasn’t until she dropped her bowl of lettuce and Ranch dressing on the floor, re-collected it, and continued eating it that the other women slightly recoiled. Finally! Looks of confusion and disgust washed over their faces and matched what I was feeling inside all along. Everyone sort of froze and looked at one another and then back at the lady who didn’t seem notice people staring at her. I was relieved and feeling kind of validated that the others were now reacting to this bizarre scene. I was, until one of the women pointed out what she and all of the other women were apparently appalled by- not the lunch being eaten bare-ass on a bench in the middle of a locker room inhabited by other naked, sweaty women. Or that naked lunch lady dropped her food on the floor of a locker room and then kept eating it, but rather naked lunch lady’s food choices. “You really should use an oil based dressing…and maybe don’t eat that bread- just the meat” the appalled woman said.
Mind your fat and carbs, guys- that’s where you’re being judged. All your other weird choices are overlooked, in the locker room, at least.