Looks Like I’ll Make it After All

Sometimes I let my crazy get the best of me. Not always but sometimes. Occasionally, if I have a weird symptom, I’ll Google it and within minutes have convinced myself that I have 3 months, at most, to live. I’ll write down the songs that I’d like to have at my funeral Mass and make sure my always fancily dressed gay brother knows that he’s to pick out my burial clothes- not Garrett. I’ve tried to make it easy on my brother and generally only buy white, black, grey and navy clothes. I’m thoughtful like that. Also, I’m busy and don’t have time to fuss with stuff matching. That’ll come in handy at funeral time, too, I reason as I hang that floral shirt back on the rack and instead buy yet another navy blue sweater.

A few days ago, I was driving and suddenly felt very warm and feverish. I had felt kind of tired and run-down the day before and my joints felt a little achy. I quickly assumed that I was coming down with something fatal but tried to keep everything in perspective. I’m relatively young, I eat healthy foods and exercise regularly. I have stress but I also have my dear, sweet, beloved friend, Xanax, to help me deal with it. I don’t smoke or drink or engage in any high risk behaviors. “I’m probably fine” I thought to myself. “People get fevers all the time and live-I’ll just take some Tylenol when I get home…if I live long enough.”  I was starting to let my imagination run wild. As I tried to talk myself down, though, I was still getting hotter and hotter. Something’s happening. I’m about to have an acute death by sudden onset fever- that’s a thing, right?

Just then, the car in front of me slammed on brakes. As I, in turn, slammed on brakes, my phone slid onto the floorboard under my feet. When I leaned down to reach for it, I noticed an unfamiliar green indicator light on the panel of my door. I wasn’t going to die by fever after all! My seat warmer was just on. Phew! I would make it to Target after all! But then I noticed this strange little rash…


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