Right Up Your Rectum

In the grocery store over the weekend, I kept passing the same elderly mother and her 50-something son in the aisles. The woman was driving one of those supermarket provided scooters and had her walking cane between her legs, leaning on one knee. She was awful at driving the scooter and ran into meat case a couple of times before straightening up and then running into a table of pastries.

The son, hands in pockets, dutifully followed behind her and patiently answered her questions. “Should I buy this ‘Family Size’ container of turkey? It’s on sale” she asked. “I think that’s too much for you, Mama- you’ll never eat all of that. Just buy the smaller size” the son replied. “Jimmy, I can’t seem to find the Maxwell House- where’s the Maxwell House? Do you see it?” Jimmy placed a small, bright blue can of coffee in the basket on the front of her scooter. “Here it is, Mama” he said.

I was done shopping and heading to the check-out lane when I remembered that we needed dog food. Jimmy and his Mom were in the pet supply aisle. It was clear by his posture that Jimmy’s patience had run thin. He was standing behind his Mom and staring up at the ceiling. His arms were crossed and his jaw jutted out as he listened to his mother read off a variety of canned cat food flavors. “Mariner’s Catch, Sea Captain’s Choice, Turkey and Giblets. Oh, and here’s a Mixed Grill. Hmmm, which do you suppose Dottie would like best, Jimmy?”

“I don’t think Dottie gives a crap, Mama. Just pick five” he said.

The Mom, without moving her neck, turned her body in his direction but didn’t quite look at him. She picked up her cane and said “Don’t get testy with me, Jimmy. I will ram this cane right up your rectum. You hear me? Right up it.”

Jimmy looked at me and smiled and said “Yes, M’am. Take your time, Mama.”

“Now that’s more like it” she said. “So, Sea Captain’s Choice, probably?”

Nothing like the threat of a little rectum ramming from your Mama to straighten you right up.

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