Excuse Me, I Can See Your Nipples

At our local pool, the kids have to pass a swim test to be allowed in the “big” pool and to go down the water slide. Once they’ve proven they won’t sink like a stone, they’re give one of those paper-ish wrist bands and sent on their way. Leo always rips his off on the way home which means we have to go to the lifeguard station, tell them his name, and get a new wristband every time we go.

On a recent trip, while a lifeguard was looking up his name, Leo had a public service announcement. “Excuse me,” he said “I can see your nipples.” Her nipples were not exposed, mind you, just a little pokey. I’m not sure if she was being incredibly professional or simply did not hear him, but she didn’t react.

I gave him “the look” that lets him know that his current behavior/conversation topic needs to change immediately. He looked at me sheepishly and I thought he understood that what he’d just said was inappropriate and that he should zip it.

“The look” seems to be losing it’s impact, though. After his wristband was secured and as we walked away, over his shoulder he said again-and even louder this time-“I can see your nipples!”

Mortification prevented me from looking back to see the lifeguard’s reaction, but a couple nearby heard him and they just laughed and laughed. While searching frantically for a non-existent mute button, I made a mental note to add “The visibility of nipples” to the already extensive list of ‘Things Not to Mention and/or Acknowledge in Public.’

Kids should totally come with a mute button. Who do I need to speak with about making that happen?

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