What if He Dies in the Pool?

Leo loves my Dad. He especially loves him during the Spring and Summer months because my Dad has a pool. And Capri Suns. And an endless supply of Little Debbie cakes. And candy that he bought for 75% off the day after Halloween that he keeps in the refrigerator. Who cares if that fun- size Snickers that you’re eating in July has Dracula on the package? It was a real bargain! That white discoloration on the chocolate? That’s a sign of QUALITY chocolate, not OLD chocolate. The kids don’t seem to mind if the chocolate isn’t uniform in appearance. They just know that all of the things off-limits in our home are set before them like a Chinese food buffet at my Dad and Step-Mom’s house. They stand in front of the open fridge, jockeying for position at the crisper where Dad keeps his old-ass candy. They pack it into their salivating little mouths while we’re there and into any pocket or crevice in their clothes when we’re leaving. One time, after we were home, I found miniature Reese’s cups rolled up in the hems of Bell’s shorts. They are ruthless and ravenous.

The weather is warming up and Leo asked if I could arrange a time for him to swim.

Leo: “Can you call GranDa’ and ask him if he’ll pick me up to go swimming?”

Me: “Sure.”

Leo: “And I want to be nice and invite Mia and Bell, too, ’cause, if GranDa’ dies while we’re in the pool, it’ll be boring if no one else is there. And then we could all take turns getting snacks out of his little fridge- I won’t have to do all the work.”

Me: “Wow, buddy, you really plan things out, don’t you?”

Leo: “I just don’t want to be bored and tired.”

Me: “Of course. What would you do if GranDa’ died in the pool?”

Leo: “Well, we’d have to put him on the side by the grass so we’d have more room. Can you ask him to go ahead and put the Capri Suns in the fridge before he dies? I don’t know where he keeps them in his house. Oh, and the candy, too.”

Me: “Yes. I don’t think he’s going to die in the pool, though.”

Leo: “But you never know so….”

Priorities, y’all.

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