The Anal Cream

I’d gone to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. It wasn’t quite ready so I walked around the store for a bit. I remembered that we were almost out of Band Aids and headed back over near the pharmacy department. I put my basket down and was looking at the 50 different varieties of bandages when an older woman walked down the aisle. I looked up and smiled at her. She passed me then turned around and said

“Young lady, do you know where I might find the, oh what’s it called… it’s when you (she looked around and covered her mouth a little bit with her hand) have the veins sticking out of your anus? I need the cream for that…the anal cream.”

Me: “Ummm, like, for hemorrhoids?”

Old lady: “Yes, yes- that’s them, hemorrhoids!”

Me: “I don’t know, exactly, but I’ll be happy to help you find it.”

I walked her over to the Preparation H-type stuff.

Me: “Here you go. Looks like you have several to choose from.”

Old lady: “Thank you so much for helping me. Do you have any children?”

Me: “Yes, M’am. We have 6 kids.”

Old lady: “Oh my! Well you must be familiar with hemorrhoids, too, pushing out 6 kids!”

Me: “Oh…nope. Our kids were all C-sections. I haven’t had to deal with those. Maybe one day, I suppose.”

Old lady: “Well, consider yourself lucky. I pushed out one of my sons 52 years ago and I’ve had a big hemorrhoid ever since- it feels like you got a little BM always stickin’ out of your rectum. Not the most pleasant feeling as you can imagine.”

Me: “Yes. It sounds…not fun.”

Old lady: “Think about that…always feeling like you have a turd. And sometimes they flare up and get itchy. When you’re in public what are you supposed to do? That’s why I buying more of this cream. It does help with the itch.”

Me: “Yes, M’am. Okay, well, hope you…that…feels better soon.”

Old lady: “Do you know anything about a procedure where they tie some kind of rubber band around them and they fall off?”

Me: “You know, I don’t…you could maybe ask your doctor about it. I’d bet he knows.”

Old lady: “I suppose. I guess I should just be grateful that’s all that bothers me. My best friend, her bladder has fallen and is hanging out of her vagina. Would you think about that!?”

And then the pharmacy called for “customer Wood” over the loudspeaker and I think I’ve never been so relieved in all my life.

She was still examining the “anal cream” choices as I left. There are more varieties than you might think.

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