Elf on the Shelf + Us = Awful

Do y’all have an Elf on the Shelf?

My Aunt bought the elf and book for our kids several years ago. I thought it was a sweet new tradition and a fun way to keep the kids in line. That feeling lasted for about 20 minutes. You’re meant to read the book and then name your elf. This is where my resentment for him started. The kids would still be debating a name right now if I hadn’t told them that the elf was getting pissed because they couldn’t agree. There were tears from one girl who insisted that ‘Rainbow Boy’ was the best possible name while the other two couldn’t agree on Thomas or Henry. “Thomas is a Saint’s name!” said one “Henry is cuter!” said the other. “Elf is getting annoyed, y’all…I can see it all over his face. Choose a name by the time I count to five or he’s going to a family that agrees on everything all the time”, I said. In a panic, they agreed on ‘Thomas Henry’.

Once your elf is named and your kids are equally exhilarated and intimidated by his presence, the fun starts. And by ‘fun’ I mean a 25 day long pain in your ass. The book explains that your elf will fly home to the North Pole Every. Single. Night…to report your kid’s behavior, good or bad, to Santa. That means, of course, that we, the parents are responsible for having the elf moved to a different location Every. Single. Morning.

My husband and I rarely argue. However, sh*t gets real when it’s time to move the elf. A scoff about sitting him in the Christmas tree twice in one season or even worse, forgetting entirely to move the damn thing and the next thing you know, we’re breathing through our teeth at each other. A plastic and polyester argument instigator. That’s what the elf has become. I kind of hate him.

When we have (very often) forgotten to move Thomas Henry, we’ve had to come up with a really good and believable reason as to why he’s still sitting there. On the mantle. Just like yesterday morning. The kid’s faces read “WTH?”. Garrett and I stutter and fumble and spit out excuses like these:

-There was a snow storm at the North Pole. Santa asked all elves to stay put

-There was a volcanic eruption at the North Pole.

-There was a flu outbreak at the North Pole

-Thomas Henry drank too much

-It was too hot

-It was too cold

-Santa and Mrs. Claus were arguing

-The reindeer have mange

-The reindeer died and Santa is sad

-He had to stay right there because the choices that you made yesterday sucked. You have been given the rare opportunity of a second chance. You must right the wrongs of yesterday and take turns brushing Mommy’s hair. Bonus points if you braid it.

Thomas Henry is now BACK for the 2013 Christmas season!

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